NB: I am posting this from my old blog for more context.
As 2011 morphs into 2012, I’d like to think I am No More the Fool. As well as being an accurate description of me at this point in time, it’s a song by the singer Elkie Brooks, released in 1986.
The inspiration for this entry came from a friend of mine who I’ll call C. C sent me the links to the song on YouTube, and to be honest the lyrics have moved me, stayed with me and spoken to my heart ever since.
In the following words, I want to explain why the lyrics moved me, in my own context, and to stitch up some old wounds, and to explain where I go from here.
Now a fire in a wastepaper bin is not a spectacular thing. You strike a match, the paper will be set alight, and in seconds perhaps there will be a raging inferno.. Paper does catch light, and this is not surprising, however what is perhaps surprising is the incredibly short length of time from flame to inferno. This is analogous to mine and mum’s relationship. It does not take not to be on fire – and not in a good way.
First, there was the day we went shopping just before Christmas at the local shopping centre. Not a particularly out of the ordinary experience but it was the first time we’d been out as mother and daughter. It was terrible. She constantly criticised, undermined me and made me feel small. I should be used to this by now as it is a recurring pattern. We are on slightly friendlier terms at the moment, but now I realise I must live my own life for me, in my own way.
We are chalk and cheese, that is that. I accept now that I can’t and will not change her, any more than it would be possible for her to change me. The difference is, I am alive to this now, and this is why I am No More The Fool, in the words of Elkie Brooks..
This realisation has an effect on the present, the future and the past. Let me deal with each in turn.
What can I say, truthfully about the past? A mish mash of incongruence and a big point of conflict with Mum. She takes the view that I was born a man, and have, in relative terms,only recently become a woman. If this was the case then there would be no diagnosis of gender dysphoria made. The point that she has never grasped since 2005 is that I never felt like a man in the first place. I always felt like a female. Genitalia doth not maketh the person friends. The brain and soul do.
I rather like the way a friend of mine who is a trans male, put it recently. He said;
“We all have pasts, but we are not bound by them.”
I believe this to be true. If we were bound by our pasts, our lives would stay static forever. Ain’t gonna happen, fact. This leads nicely into………..THE PRESENT.
I’ve not much to say here, except that I am happy and content. I’m happy with the bonds made, and friendships solidified at the Edge. People like me, and so do I, and that alone makes all the difference. It is a common phrase in pop psychology to suggest that in order for others to love you, you must love yourself. However, I believe this to be only partly true. It’s all very well saying, oh yess I love me. But humans do not exist in a vacuum. We are social beings.
However, I don’t find it easy to socialise. My advice though would be this. Find an empathic support network comprised of like minded people. This doesn’t mean taking every friend request, or maxing yourself up to the 5,000 limit on Facebook. It means you will have people to celebrate with during the good times and commiserate with during the bad. To make the friendship grow, treat it like a plant. Be honest with yourself and others, when you are ready. Give them time and answer their questions. Good friends are worth their weight in gold, but fake ones can make life difficult so be careful. Most importantly, be yourself. This creates respect from others.
The truth is I don’t know but I am excited to find out. One of the first things I am going to do is close this blog. Not because I don’t enjoy writing it, and it will remain to be read, but because I feel it is time to start a new chapter. I will of course never stop growing, both as a woman and a person, but now I feel it is time to push that growth up a gear, and be less emo and more fun about it. If this blog has helped anyone, or continues to help anyone in the future, then I am happy about that. It does not matter by the way, where that support network comes from, just PLEASE find one.
This blog has been updated since 2006. I’ll kind of miss it, but know it is not the end. I have many more books in me. I have grown so much since the beginning of writing this blog, and know that as I end this writing process, in 2012 and in the exciting future ahead, I am no more the fool.