You may have noticed a few videos doing the rounds recently on Facebook and suchlike. The funniest one I have seen that gave me a real laugh is entitled “Shit Straight Girls Say To Lesbians.”
It is really funny but also gave me an idea. As a transsexual , young female, who is a lesbian and in a wheelchair, I have a pretty unique philosophy towards and take on life. My rule of thumb is to always try to stay positive. However, I have had some pretty stupid shit said to me over the years. I thought I would collect some of the best of it together and we could all laugh about it. I want you as the reader to laugh, to smile and to engage. I do not want pity from this entry whatsoever.
I am going to have fun writing it, and I hope you have fun reading it.
The first piece of shit is a question, and is often a thorn in the side of people with disabilities.
“So erm, I don’t know how to say this, but erm (spit it out I think) how do you have sex?”
Now this first question may be slightly rude, intrusive and personal but when placed in context, it is easy to understand why people ask it.
Many people wonder about sex in a voyeuristic way, but it is never really talked about. That said though, the level of curiosity increases in relation to minority groups. Many professionals who work with those with disabilities are reticent around issues of sexuality and even moreso sex.
The body is immediately seen as a problematic clinical object, with a set of problems and professionals will work around it, finding solutions for it. I use the word it very deliberately, in order to point out that disability can feel extremely de-humanising.
I think an experience which made me very angry happened at University. My carer came back from an evening out and gleefully announced to me that her friend had asked her how I had sex. Oh really? I said, a little peturbed. Her reply was utterly utterly unexpected. She said;
“Well I don’t know but she’s got an electric bed”
Are you thinking what I am? WHAT THE FUCK HAS AN ELECTRIC BED GOT TO DO WITH HOW YOU HAVE SEX? I mean, it does not often go down on itself does it? If it does there’s a serious malfunction.
But, the thing is, people with disabilities think of sex in the same way as others, period. It is definitely worth saying that the biggest sexual organ is the brain.
I myself choose not to think about having a sexual relationship as a realistic possibility, because I cannot expect lesbians to feel for me in the way I feel for them.I am always honest about my pre-op status. It is common courtesy I think.
But that said, I do get sexual kicks and have a vivid imagination. I can sort of get round it by imagining I am superimposing a ladygarden on to myself.
That is to say, say I was masturbating someone (a lady) I would imagine that the vagina was my body part also. A turn off for some perhaps but we all have coping strategies right?
Sex is a possibility to everyone, and to believe it is off limits for people with disabilities is a real, threatening misconception. Don’t perpetuate it after reading this. If you do I will hunt you down and submit you for mushing in the mushy pea musher.
This next piece of shit people have said is a great one.
“So, you’re a boy who wants to be a girl and you fancy girls. Doesn’t that make you a straight man?”
Classic one really, but it is still 100% wrong. Some people even get indignant about the fact I’m a girl who fancies other women. If I am a woman they say, I ought to fancy men. Really?????? I thought we lived in a democracy.
You see, it is a little bit like this. Gender and sexuality are two flatmates who live in the same house together, but who lead individual lives. One does not dictate to or influence the other. I fancy who I like.
And no, it does not make me a man. If I wanted to be a man I wouldn’t have started this whole process.
Finally also, it is not something I want, it is something I am. If it was something I wanted, it would be like saying I want soup for lunch or a new hairdo. Poppycock.
“You wouldn’t feel this way if you weren’t disabled. If you had more in your life you won’t go to The Edge.”
First off, I think that is an insult to The Edge. More in a moment on that.
However, being lesbian, transsexual and disabled to me are all independent variables. All people with disabilities are not straight, and nor are they all gay, by any stretch.
However, there is not one shred of evidence to suggest that no people with disabilities are gay. Such evidence would worry me, really. And as I am a lesbian, I am of course going to want to socialise within the LGBT Community.
The moral of the story is this, but truthfully, let it go to the same place as your morning bathwater. Down the plughole!