I want to begin this chapter, not with definitions, but by sharing a little with you about the writing process itself.
There are some times in the writing process, where you get a eureka moment and a great idea can pop into your mind. These eureka moments are not time specific, and can happen any time, even stupid o’clock. But you just feel the overwhelming urge to write there and then.
Another scenario is where you have nothing to say (also known as writer’s block) and just do not produce anything for a little while.
But there is a third scenario, where you do not want to write something down particularly, because it is painful, difficult, and as a writer , it goes to the very core of your being and identity. But even though it is hard, you feel it may be beneficial to show all sides of the coin, both to yourself plus your readers also. I would describe this scenario as encapsulating the ‘reluctant and scared’ writer, and it is into this final category that this title falls.
My journey thus far has been characterised by happiness, sadness, and by milestones and setbacks. It is a complicated milestone that I want to turn my attention to today.
It is complicated because it brings up so much stuff that it is located in so many arenas of life, but I hope I can make it make sense.
I have been going to The Edge for a long time now and feel I have made many friends amongst the scene. I think the number of gay people on my Facebook list is greater than the number of straight people. I am smiling as I type that.
I have made good, solid friendships, and I hope, lifelong ones.
So, bearing that in mind, I was very excited to be invited to my first party with friends from The Edge.
I can say this now it is over – I was very nervous. Clubs like Edge are managed, highly co-ordinated organisations, for understandable and credible reasons of safety and enjoyment.
But they are corporate places, where everyone can go, and obviously, you pay for entrance.
A party is an altogether different experience. In a way it ups the ante, and creates slightly more pressure, because people are asking for your presence and company. You are specifically wanted in this environment.
Now this may seem like an odd statement, but I have never really felt that feeling before. It is an odd thing to say, but let me contextualise why I said it.
No disrespect to the carers and professionals in my life, however, there has never been until recently, a decent balance between them and friends has never been achieved. Until now. People have always acted as de facto friends, who are really employed to be around me. This was always the case at JDM, but having said that, I am immensely grateful. I would have struggled a lot more without their input.
However now, I can truthfully say that I have genuine friends, and that is a strange experience. As I just said, there is even with the best will in the world an over representation of professionals in my life.
What I really have needed for years is friends, and it has taken me a long time to get to the state of peace I am now in.
Having a support network is crucial, absolutely. But people have to want to have you in one. Historically, (basically in the past) I have never had that at all. Now I do, it’s lush.
The party itself was lovely, beautiful hotel, beautiful buffet and beautiful people.
However, it wasn’t this that mattered. It was the people. There I was, just socialising, in this life of mine.
There were a few flashpoints, the main one being a stupid thing really, thinking back.
It was about a song, a cover of The Gap Band’s Oops Upside Your Head by DJ Casper .
Now I’d never heard this song before it came on. It also had actions.
I felt inwardly horrified when everyone sat down on the floor. Fuuuuuuuuuck I thought. What do I do now?
Now there were two options. I either had to join in or do something about it. I chose the latter.
Everyone was on the floor rowing their boats, and I sat there for a bit just thinking. What the fuck would I do?
Then I thought, yehh baby, your chair moves so move it you daft bitch.
I did. Backwards and forwards in time with the actions, and side to side as well if you’re bothered. Glad it wasn’t DJ Casper’s other hit with the hopping!!
But I looked down and a bunch of hot lesbians were smiling at me from the floor. I suspect they were smiling cos I was. Smiles are somewhat infectious you know.
Anyway, the point here is that is confidence in a nutshell is that. The ability to do what you want without caring about the reactions of others, within reason and law. If you cho0ose not to do something because of what others think, then ultimately, you will lose out. If you try and fail, you tried. If you don’t try at all you will feel shit.
So the point is here, I adapted something and found a way forward. Much better than sulking. Positive action produces positive reaction, and vice versa is also true.
Smiles are better than sulks yes?
I felt like everyone else at the party. Just me, just Hannah. But there was an issue. I promised I would not lie in this blog and I am not going to. The issue here is one of physicality.
As a lesbian, in a party full of lesbians your mind wanders a little. naturally, but there are two issues here. One is disability and the other is transsexuality.
What I am saying is, society tends to asexualise men, and women with disabilities as well. But the biggest sexual organ is the brain. That said, I am starting to find my sense of sex re-awakening again. It is as if now, on the LGBT scene, I feel permitted (not that anyone should need permission by the way) to feel sexual attraction.
But my sexuality also makes me want a vagina, frankly. If I was bisexual, I may be prepared to be more gender about it.I have written to Charing Cross to ask if they will see me again, to see if we can formulate a plan to make that happen.
I am under no illusions that there are many myths which pervade into people’s minds with regard to disability and sexuality. But indeed in is vital that we express our sexuality, because it is a part, if a taboo one of everyone. It is also an issue from the transsexual perspective. I’ll go into Charing Cross with shocking pink boxing gloves on and leathers.
It would certainly be interesting, and a talking point I am sure.
But the party itself was a worthwhile experience very much so. It was fun, and enjoyable and makes me think how far I’ve come.
Living at JDM, you’d have been lucky to get me out the place to be honest, let alone a party. But life is for living reader, and I deserve to live.
It was the first time I’d been to a party since transition, and I am so glad I did it. The smell of authenticity was definitely in the air.
You know, I used to think inspiration was a patronising word. A lot of people tell me I am an inspiration. I used to just smile, say thanks, and inwardly think oh fuck not that again, but it is actually is a massive compliment. Great people inspire change, confidence, and love of the self. I know, because that is what those who have inspired me have done for me.
I’m mindful of that and I’m soooooooo grateful to those who have helped me in my journey, journeys always continue, but mine is going in a happy direction.
I bumped into my friend Graham the other day. He told me something quite striking. He said that when he reads the blog, he does not visualise me in a chair. He visualises me in a long flowing dress with big tits. How Downton Abbey!
I visualise myself like that too, maybe not the princess ballgown but definitely not in the chair. Writing allows you to transcend such barriers, you can be who you want to be to a degree. But it is good that people are starting to see me for me. When I go out, I go out to be liberated, to forget just to be me. And now finally the reflection in the mirror, is the person I want to be and see.
I used to ask myself why my reflection was someone I did not know. Now the reflection puts on fake tan and glitter. What a transformation. More on that in the next post.
However, the me you see here, is me. My world is not made up, it is mine. And that is the best thing of all. There are downsides, but Tina says the discourses of disability and transsexuality, coupled with the discrimination they suffer are similar beasts. And I have to put up with both. It is not a problem. Imagine the insight it gives me. I want to stand up and be counted.
I feel the right time, is now.
The arms of the world are open, and now the world is a friend because I found the courage to control my destiny instead of it controlling me. BEST, DECISION, EVER!!!