Confidence, Crumble, and the Endpoint of Counselling

So last Thursday my friend Clare came to see me and we went for a carvery.Before this post gets underway properly, I want to say a massive thank you to Nick and the team at the Toby Carvery in Bishopstoke for their excellent service throughout our visit.

They were very helpful and accommodating through throughout the visit and it is fabulous having something like that on your doorstep.  Well done to Nick, Toby Carvery and Mitchells and Butler.

I did fill in their survey but unfortunately did not win an iPod nor a thousand pounds. Damn! I’ll still come back though. 

In this post I want to mash a few things up, namely how enlightening to the self it can be when someone who has not seen you for a long time has a lot of positive things to say, a decision over puddings, plus whether endpoints are the beginning.

Firstly though I ought to tell you a bit about my friend Clare. A good place to start would be in my mobile phone contacts.

I actually have her in the contacts as Hippy Clare. This is primarily because she is a hippy. 

She does lots of yoga, meditation, and generally is very in touch with her spiritual (in the non Christian sense) side. She spends a lot of time in ashrams, being spiritual as well. An ashram is basically a retreat, far from human habitation, where spiritual instruction, meditation, and pursuits like yoga can  take place, unconstrained by the pressures and challenges of modern life.

To be really honest, this is Clare in a nutshell. She is not really constrained by the tentacles of modernity, preferring instead to forge her own path through life, and live it as she wants, in the way she sees fit. 

She believe in the philosophies of Eckhart Tolle, in particular living in the now moment. She has passed this on to me I think. I am grateful for this piece of philosophy. It means I enjoy my life more.

Clare used to be my PA. We spent a very joyous day together. Before going to the carvery though, we chatted, about many things, but in the main we chatted about my trans path, and how, over and above anything else my mindset has changed.

It gives me the chance to say that mindset is the key. It is far better to come at surgery or anything from a standpoint where you are already feeling good, than expecting it to solve every problem in your life. The same goes for cosmetic work too. If you do it to enhance what is already there, then well and good. If you do it while you endlessly cannot stand yourself, then you will just spin yourself an endless web of dissatisfaction.

Anyway, Clare is also a bit of a Facebook and Internet novice and who better to show her round and give her a poke than moi?

After explaining the basics of Facebook, she then wanted to see the blog.

She did not have her glasses, so I had the pleasure of reading the “Raising the Bar and Reviewing the Situation” entry out to her. I have not asked her directly but I think she quite liked it.

There have been so many shifts in my life from The Edge, towards the Edge, away from The Edge (metaphorically speaking) and I think this blog documents them well. But I say again and feel no need to apologise for it, that gender and sexuality are not one in the same. I have different needs that cannot just be met by focusing on and indulging sexuality in isolation.

So the support of my trans friends has been massively influential in changing me for the better, yes absolutely. But Clare has been present in my life for a long time and she too has always inspired and nurtured confidence in me. I think, taking them together, Clare, Zina and my trans friends have all been the most transformative influences in my life.

To Clare, I look happier and seem happier. Wonderful observation to hear. This is especially since my GP agreed with her when I went for my anti testosterone injection. Again, lovely to hear. I do seem to have a renewed energy and vibrance about me. That you see is what hapens when you live in the now moment, right Clare?

So yes, she looked at the blog, and told me I need to be on TV and Radio and on this one I agree. Marvellous idea. I have no idea what I could do but would defininitely consider anything.

I do believe that the circulation for my blog has now reached as far as Lincolnshire, in the form of Clare’s friend Jill, who she is currently staying with, along with her hunk of a man, Julian of Joy. Ladies, he’s mature, hunky and a bit chiselled. Good choice Clare.

So anyway, after Clare re-igniting my love for and experience of all things meeja, we walked across the road to the carvery, to be greeted by the pure loveliness of Mr Manager Nick.

He did say he had no seating in the restaurant, but could seat us in the bar. I apologised for being a diva, but he said he was used to it. How cheeeeky.

So anyway, we sat, chatted and had a beautiful meal.

When it came to puddings though, I could not decide, so put it to a vote on Faceybook and had a gorgeous, and divine but very indulgent summer berry crumble. Beautiful!! Thanks again to manager Nick and his team too.

But what does Madam Hughes, her of the crocs put all this down to?

Stopping counselling frankly. I would like to advance this a bit further and say it is down to the fact that there is no need for me to have counselling anymore. I trust my judgements, I trust and love myself, and I have a tight circle of friends around me.

Some may have noticed that my friendlist has shrunk. I felt it important to move forward in my journey, not on the basis of one nightclub, but on the basis of one life, with the people who I believe can support me best, and who I can support best going forward, as friendship is a mutual undertaking.

Some have seen this decision again as a little off kilter, and a little “wack”. I can confirm though that I have not gone all weird.I did delete though, 200+ people from my Facebook the other night. I did this for my own reasons and benefit and I have to say I feel better for it.

The best thing about my life now, is that the confidence within it is real, authentic and tangible. The mass unfriending was  not motivated by a personal dislike of, and indeed nor anger towards anyone. I just had a strong sense of a chapter ending and a new one beginning, and I acted on it, very quickly, profoundly, urgently and without sentimentality. If my time living in Yorkshire taught me something, it is this. A spade is a spade and a shovel is a shovel.

I live my life with honesty and integrity, and to those who are hurt by that, I apologise. However, my mission now is to build on that confidence Clare can see, treasure every day, enjoy life and live as if there is “No Day But Today.”

All the friends I have mean the world, and you help me to be the best person I can be, by inspiring me, encouraging me, and just being there.

I am glad I ended counselling, because there are others who need it more than me. But I am glad I began it too, because without a beginning there is no end, and no endpoint, no conclusion, and no satisfaction.

Post endpoint, no one cares about me more than me, and I care about my friends too. They make us, shape us and mould us, and help us to be the best we can be.


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